The Parent Whisperer

Old fashioned values

Parenting in this technological, entitled, over stimulated, over scheduled environment is more challenging than ever. Yes, my generation of parents are trying not to be as repressive and controlling as our parents (and adults in general) were when we were  young and that can be a good thing, but I believe that we have taken it too far in the oppostite direction. Being cool and being your kid's friend is not healthy and it is not working. I have read articles, many written by mental health professionals, making excuses for this type of parenting and giving permission for it. I do not agree. It is nice to have a closer relationship with our kids than we had with our parents however, our kids still need to know who is boss and they need to know that we are not thier freinds. Too often have I observed kids from 2nd grade to 12th grade talking to their parents in a way that makes me cringe. And when I observe this the questions in my thought bubble are: "why are you letting your kid treat you like this?" "What do you think you are teaching your kid by allowing this?" "Do you have any idea how your are going to suffer later?"

Successful parenting is all about balance so let's start implementing some old fashioned values like: show respect for your elders, think about someone besides your self, don't speak if you don't have anything nice to say, Stop whining!, eat what's in front of you, be kind just for the sake of being kind ect. There are many more I'm sure but this is a start. We can be close with our kids and make them feel safe enough to communicate honestly with us at the same time demanding respect and setting limits on behaviors  that are clearly unacceptable in most civilized societies.

Comment and questions are welcomed!

Checking my blog

My blog has not been working so I am attempting to post.

My new gig

Hi Readers,

I have recently been asked to be the "ask the therapist" advice columnist for L.A. Parent magazine. My first bit of advice is published in the February edition. Please grab a hard copy if you live in Los Angeles or the San Fernando Valley. To check out the digital addtion just log on to: http://losangeles.parenthood.com/ and click on the digital edition and go to p. 13.

Hope to hear what you think and always remember you can comment on my blog and I will be glad to help you out any way I can.

Peace,

Tony

Parenting behind closed doors

Parents often want to know what they are doing wrong and what to do differently, but I have found that what they really are asking for is permission to keep doing it the same way so they can feel better about it. I have also learned in my 20 years as a therapist and my 9 years as a parent that most of us have a very hard time admitting when we are wrong, identifying what we did wrong and then correcting it. So here is a simple solution for those parents who know there is something wrong but can't figure out what it is or what to do about it: Imagine all of your interactions with your kids in your home being recorded for all to see. Would you:

a) Be proud of most of your parenting.

b) Be proud of some and embarrassed about some.

c) Be totally embarrased.

And then ask yourself: "Self - what would my best friend and my mom think of how I handle my kids?" Then allow the answers to these questions to be your guide. If you think you need help then ask for it. Work with your spouse to help each other to do a better job and if that isn't enough then find a family therapist and get to work.

Parenting article published

Just in case you are reading my blog I would like to let you know that I have an article in this month's edition of L.A. Parent magazine. It is a free publication that you can  pick up all over town. The article is called "10 ways to shape up your parenting." Please read it and let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Tony

Challenging multi-generational beliefs

Why do people do what they do? Why do people react the way they react? Why do people feel the way they feel? I don't know if these questions are on your mind but they have always been on mine. Due to the complexity of human behavior there is no simple answer but I am convinced that there is at least one definate contributing factor that we all have in common and that is- our belief system. We are not always aware of our believe system nor where it came from, but we should be. Our beliefs are the driving force behind our attitudes and our actions. But here is the hard part - what are the beliefs that drive each of us individually? That's the complex part  - we are all individual therefore we all believe feel and think differently than our fellow humans. The only way to know is to examine our own behavior and everyday attitudes that influences how we act and react in the company of others - our children included. The best way to get started is to think about your thoughts and think about your words. Sounds obvious but you would be amazed at how many people are totally unaware of thier feelings and beliefs, therefore they are not aware of how they act. Most likely your thoughts and actions are profoundly influenced by beliefs passed down from your parents and grandparents. Thoughts and beliefs about:

• Strangers
• Neighbors
• Other races
• Other religious
• Old people
• Joggers
• Dog owners
• Homosexuals
• Men
• Women
• Overweight people
• Smokers etc. etc. etc.

The list goes on and on but it is a start. It is way to examine how we really feel about the multitude of people and circumstances with which we are faced on a daily basis. Many beliefs can be positve, flexible and loving yet others can be negative, rigid and hateful, it is your job to figure that out. Just be aware that not only do your beliefs guide your every action and reaction but they also are passed on to your children which will strongly influence thier actions and reactions - and so goes to the cycle.

Try to think of a saying that your father, mother, grandfather or grandmother has said billions of times which has stuck in your brain. Common example: "Children should be seen and not heard."

There are thousands of them so figure out what they are and ask yourself if you want to keep perpetuating whatever it is. Maybe you do, maybe you don't but at least  you have increased your self awareness and that can only make you a better parent/person.

Make time for your kids

During the holiday season I always ask the kids I work with what thier family traditions are, who does the cooking, what is cooked, who attends etc. and the answers are getting sadder and sadder each year. I am absolutely amazed at the amount of kids who have very little to say in this regard. The common theme is a lack of tradition, a lack of time, a lack of effort, a lack of togetherness. I am not saying that this applies to all but I hear about it enough to be concerned. If you do fall into this category and you know who you are you can do something about it and don't think for a minute that is doesn't matter to your kids. No matter how negative the attitude they display or nonchalant the words they use - they care. If you have not created a tradition then begin one now, it is never too late. If you don't have the time - make the time. If you don't know how to cook - learn. Get your kids involved in planning and cooking and enjoying holiday meals together. Invite family, friends and neighbors. This shows your kids that you care about such things and that makes them feel cared for and loved.   

If what you are doing doesn't work - do something different

I would like to share a parenting struggle I recently experienced and how I broke myself out of a pattern that was clearly not working for me. My six year old son has now reached a stage in his life where he needs more than ever to exert his independence and this has thrown me for a loop. Until now he has spoiled us with compliance and minimal power struggles. Lately he has begun to say "NO" to everything and will put up as big of a fight as I am willing to engage in to get his way. I am a firm and mostly fair parent but I am also as stubborn as my son (wonder where he got it?). When he says "NO" to homework, taking a bath or going to bed it drives me crazy and my first instict is to lay down the consequences. This tact has not worked with him because he still does not give in which of course deserves even more consequences which makes him more angry and in turn makes me more angry.

One night, with the encouragement of my wife I decided to something differently. When he said "NO!" to taking a bath I instead of starting my count down and then doling out the consequences said "Tell ya what, why don't I help you and I will wash your hair." He immediately agreed and we had a wonderful bonding experience and a nice chat while I washed his hair. Although giving in goes against my stubborn Sicilian ways I was very proud of myself for doing something differently and acting more maturely than my 6 year old. I also went to bed much more relaxed which resulted in a good night's sleep. Next time I will be more apt to figuring out a creative way to get my way and allow my son to feel like he has some influence in his life.

Maybe this will encourage you to try something different when you realize that you are getting nowhere and creating repetative conflicts that can be averted.

T

Making sense is vital

When making rules and/or setting limits with kids it is vital that they make sense to the kids. "Because I said so!" is difficult to avoid but not a helpful way to speak to your kid. I absolultely believe in being firm but it is also important to be fair, consistent and predictable. Not easy I know but the alternative causes more problems and takes more time in the long run. I work with many kids who just don't know what to expect from mom and dad which creates an unpredicable environment which in turn creates anxitey.

When setting limits make the punishment fit the crime and make it time limited. Also of importance is to not dole out punishment in the heat of anger, take a little time to cool off and engage your logical brain before the punishment is rendered. Once the punishment is given make darn sure you follow through on it otherwise you will lose credibility. Just imagine how you would like for your boss to treat you and act accordingly with your kids.

Parenting at opposite extremes

As I have said many times: "Parenting is the hardest job we will ever have." I will continue to repeat it because parents continue to put up their parenting defenses any time the topic is raised. Let's just assume that we all understand how hard it is and that we all struggle with it.

What I have observed over the years are two distinct and extreme methods of parenting that are both equally ineffective. The first one is the over-controlling parent who tends to be chronically critical, rigid, and verbally (sometimes physically) abusive. This is the parent who is unpleasable and always looking for faults. Many of the kids I have worked with tell me stories of their parents who are like this. These kids feel unworthy, defective, and faulty. Kids desperately need the approval of their parents and are willing to work hard to get it until they give up. So as not to scare you, it takes a long time for a kid to give up. So be aware of how you treat you child and think about what it takes to build self esteem in a kid and make sure that you work towards that.

The other extreme is the laissez faire parent who is so afraid to damage their child's self esteem that they go to serious lengths to protect their child from any adversity or discomfort. I blame the psychology profession and the news media for scaring parents and leading them to believe that self esteem is so very fragile. First of all you cannot break down something that has not been built and it takes a firm but fair hand to built self esteem. This a very disturbing trend I have noticed over the last 8 to 10 years. I have encountered more and more kids who have no back bone whatsoever. These kids display entitlement and fall apart when things do not go their way. The parents of these kids are very familiar to teachers and other school staff everywhere because these are the parents who make the job of working with kids way harder than it needs to be. These parents will not confront their child or place responsibility on them but they won't hesitate to attack a teacher. This is a loaded topic and can be discussed at length but for now I will just encourage parents to be aware of this and to make sure that they try to strike a balance and not to be afraid to teach their children responsibility. I am telling you now that it takes coping skills to survive in this world and to feel good about ourselves and the kid who does not have coping skills will not be able to function successfully. If a child never experiences adversity how is he or she going to learn how to survive in a cruel world?  Saying "NO" and sticking to it will not harm your child's self esteem - I promise.

Balance folks, that is what I am talking about. We need to parent with a firm yet fair hand therefore, neither extreme is effective.

What is self esteem and how can we build it in our kids will be discussed next time

Criticizing Parents

One of the main obstacles I have encountered throughout my career is parents who need help but will not admit it. Why are we so protective of our parenting? Why is it politically incorrect to place responsibility on parents for the behavior of their children? Coaches and bosses and parents can yell and scream at their players, employees and children but god forbid someone yells at a parent. I am not advocating the drill sergeant approach nor am I encouraging lay people to criticize a parent in public. Nobody wants unsolicited advice but there are many qualified professionals who can give wonderful advice and there are plenty of skillful ways to criticize someone in order to help them become better at something.

The truth must be spoken and the truth is that parents need way more help and guidance than they are getting. I am advocating that parents be more willing to admit that they can be better and that they might need help to become so. There is nothing to be ashamed of by admitting to less than perfect parenting. No body does it perfectly - no body! The ones who think they do are most likely the ones who need the most help. People are usually willing to admit that they can be better at sports, diet, work habits, organizational skills etc. and then they seek help but very few are willing to seek help with parenting. Just think about how hard golfers work to hit that ball straight down the fairway. If they can't they take lessons and then they practice, practice, practice. That is the motivation and drive I would like to see from parents. I have theories as to why people are so defensive when it comes to parenting but that will be a seperate blog. What I want to address is how hard parenting is and how little preparation there is for it.

A parent needs to be a leader and a good leader possesses numerous qualities that most of us do not  yet we are expected to have them and teach them.   We are expected to  be good role models by being able to: control our anger, delay gratification, tolerate frustration, organize our time, organize our space, communicate clearly and effectively, set firm yet fair limits, follow through on promises, be kind to our family, friends and fellow man, admit when we are wrong, be honest, eat healthy, exercise, resolve conflict, not hold grudges, forgive others, be faithful to our committments etc. I'm sure I have left something out but that is a heck of a list. Do you know anyone who has all of those qualities? I don't. But if you really think about it we expect all of it from our kids and get very upset if they falter. As parents should we not at least strive to get better at everything listed? Sure we should! What do we have to lose by trying? Pride?

People assume that I have this parenting thing mastered but nothing could be farther from the truth. What I do have over most parents is my willingness to self evaluate and continually try to change what does not work. I am also blessed to be married to a wonderful woman who is not just my wife but my friend and partner. This is immensely helpful when my kids have brought out the worst in me and I need to step back and take my own time out. At those times she will step in and relieve me and I do the same for her. Everyone's situation is of course different and complex but my message to those who know things could be better at home is to ask for help and be willing to do better no matter how difficult it may be.