One of the main obstacles I have encountered throughout my career is parents who need help but will not admit it. Why are we so protective of our parenting? Why is it politically incorrect to place responsibility on parents for the behavior of their children? Coaches and bosses and parents can yell and scream at their players, employees and children but god forbid someone yells at a parent. I am not advocating the drill sergeant approach nor am I encouraging lay people to criticize a parent in public. Nobody wants unsolicited advice but there are many qualified professionals who can give wonderful advice and there are plenty of skillful ways to criticize someone in order to help them become better at something.
The truth must be spoken and the truth is that parents need way more help and guidance than they are getting. I am advocating that parents be more willing to admit that they can be better and that they might need help to become so. There is nothing to be ashamed of by admitting to less than perfect parenting. No body does it perfectly - no body! The ones who think they do are most likely the ones who need the most help. People are usually willing to admit that they can be better at sports, diet, work habits, organizational skills etc. and then they seek help but very few are willing to seek help with parenting. Just think about how hard golfers work to hit that ball straight down the fairway. If they can't they take lessons and then they practice, practice, practice. That is the motivation and drive I would like to see from parents. I have theories as to why people are so defensive when it comes to parenting but that will be a seperate blog. What I want to address is how hard parenting is and how little preparation there is for it.
A parent needs to be a leader and a good leader possesses numerous qualities that most of us do not yet we are expected to have them and teach them. We are expected to be good role models by being able to: control our anger, delay gratification, tolerate frustration, organize our time, organize our space, communicate clearly and effectively, set firm yet fair limits, follow through on promises, be kind to our family, friends and fellow man, admit when we are wrong, be honest, eat healthy, exercise, resolve conflict, not hold grudges, forgive others, be faithful to our committments etc. I'm sure I have left something out but that is a heck of a list. Do you know anyone who has all of those qualities? I don't. But if you really think about it we expect all of it from our kids and get very upset if they falter. As parents should we not at least strive to get better at everything listed? Sure we should! What do we have to lose by trying? Pride?
People assume that I have this parenting thing mastered but nothing could be farther from the truth. What I do have over most parents is my willingness to self evaluate and continually try to change what does not work. I am also blessed to be married to a wonderful woman who is not just my wife but my friend and partner. This is immensely helpful when my kids have brought out the worst in me and I need to step back and take my own time out. At those times she will step in and relieve me and I do the same for her. Everyone's situation is of course different and complex but my message to those who know things could be better at home is to ask for help and be willing to do better no matter how difficult it may be.
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