The Parent Whisperer

Parenting at opposite extremes

As I have said many times: "Parenting is the hardest job we will ever have." I will continue to repeat it because parents continue to put up their parenting defenses any time the topic is raised. Let's just assume that we all understand how hard it is and that we all struggle with it.

What I have observed over the years are two distinct and extreme methods of parenting that are both equally ineffective. The first one is the over-controlling parent who tends to be chronically critical, rigid, and verbally (sometimes physically) abusive. This is the parent who is unpleasable and always looking for faults. Many of the kids I have worked with tell me stories of their parents who are like this. These kids feel unworthy, defective, and faulty. Kids desperately need the approval of their parents and are willing to work hard to get it until they give up. So as not to scare you, it takes a long time for a kid to give up. So be aware of how you treat you child and think about what it takes to build self esteem in a kid and make sure that you work towards that.

The other extreme is the laissez faire parent who is so afraid to damage their child's self esteem that they go to serious lengths to protect their child from any adversity or discomfort. I blame the psychology profession and the news media for scaring parents and leading them to believe that self esteem is so very fragile. First of all you cannot break down something that has not been built and it takes a firm but fair hand to built self esteem. This a very disturbing trend I have noticed over the last 8 to 10 years. I have encountered more and more kids who have no back bone whatsoever. These kids display entitlement and fall apart when things do not go their way. The parents of these kids are very familiar to teachers and other school staff everywhere because these are the parents who make the job of working with kids way harder than it needs to be. These parents will not confront their child or place responsibility on them but they won't hesitate to attack a teacher. This is a loaded topic and can be discussed at length but for now I will just encourage parents to be aware of this and to make sure that they try to strike a balance and not to be afraid to teach their children responsibility. I am telling you now that it takes coping skills to survive in this world and to feel good about ourselves and the kid who does not have coping skills will not be able to function successfully. If a child never experiences adversity how is he or she going to learn how to survive in a cruel world?  Saying "NO" and sticking to it will not harm your child's self esteem - I promise.

Balance folks, that is what I am talking about. We need to parent with a firm yet fair hand therefore, neither extreme is effective.

What is self esteem and how can we build it in our kids will be discussed next time

Criticizing Parents

One of the main obstacles I have encountered throughout my career is parents who need help but will not admit it. Why are we so protective of our parenting? Why is it politically incorrect to place responsibility on parents for the behavior of their children? Coaches and bosses and parents can yell and scream at their players, employees and children but god forbid someone yells at a parent. I am not advocating the drill sergeant approach nor am I encouraging lay people to criticize a parent in public. Nobody wants unsolicited advice but there are many qualified professionals who can give wonderful advice and there are plenty of skillful ways to criticize someone in order to help them become better at something.

The truth must be spoken and the truth is that parents need way more help and guidance than they are getting. I am advocating that parents be more willing to admit that they can be better and that they might need help to become so. There is nothing to be ashamed of by admitting to less than perfect parenting. No body does it perfectly - no body! The ones who think they do are most likely the ones who need the most help. People are usually willing to admit that they can be better at sports, diet, work habits, organizational skills etc. and then they seek help but very few are willing to seek help with parenting. Just think about how hard golfers work to hit that ball straight down the fairway. If they can't they take lessons and then they practice, practice, practice. That is the motivation and drive I would like to see from parents. I have theories as to why people are so defensive when it comes to parenting but that will be a seperate blog. What I want to address is how hard parenting is and how little preparation there is for it.

A parent needs to be a leader and a good leader possesses numerous qualities that most of us do not  yet we are expected to have them and teach them.   We are expected to  be good role models by being able to: control our anger, delay gratification, tolerate frustration, organize our time, organize our space, communicate clearly and effectively, set firm yet fair limits, follow through on promises, be kind to our family, friends and fellow man, admit when we are wrong, be honest, eat healthy, exercise, resolve conflict, not hold grudges, forgive others, be faithful to our committments etc. I'm sure I have left something out but that is a heck of a list. Do you know anyone who has all of those qualities? I don't. But if you really think about it we expect all of it from our kids and get very upset if they falter. As parents should we not at least strive to get better at everything listed? Sure we should! What do we have to lose by trying? Pride?

People assume that I have this parenting thing mastered but nothing could be farther from the truth. What I do have over most parents is my willingness to self evaluate and continually try to change what does not work. I am also blessed to be married to a wonderful woman who is not just my wife but my friend and partner. This is immensely helpful when my kids have brought out the worst in me and I need to step back and take my own time out. At those times she will step in and relieve me and I do the same for her. Everyone's situation is of course different and complex but my message to those who know things could be better at home is to ask for help and be willing to do better no matter how difficult it may be.

Financial Wisdom

I am baffled on a daily basis when I watch the way kids I work with handle money. Most have no clue how much they have or where their money even is. Some have way more money than one would think a kid needed for a day at school. What could they possibly need besides lunch and maybe a snack? As with many other things I notice about my young clients is that they live in one of two extremes: either they have too much money and care not about from where it came or they don't have any money and care too much about its' origin. Once again I ask myself the politically incorrect question I always ask myself: "What are their parents thinking?!" I am sure that there are plenty of parents out there who do their best to teach their offspring the value of money and control how much they have as well as not projecting their own financial worries on to their children. The problem I notice is that there are also plenty of parents out there who are not so conscientious.

Some parents call me and want to know what they should do to consequence their kid for bad behavior and I always tell them to hit 'em in the pocket book yet they don't. These very kids still show up at school with big bucks and brand new stuff that I don't even buy for myself. On the other extreme I have kids who bring their parents' financial worries with them to school. It is one thing to teach your child the value of money and to make them earn what they get and it is another to let them in on the financial hardships of the household.

Parents, it is time to strike a balance. Good for you if you are recession proof but you still need to be aware of how much money your kid has and what they are doing with it. I would also recommend that you hit them with some reality and make them earn what they get. Food and shelter are a given but they will survive fine with out the newest electronic gaget - they will - I promise. And those of you who are feeling the financial drag or our economy and worry every day about the future, please leave your kid out of it and let them be a kid, they have enough to worry about.