The Parent Whisperer

Financial Wisdom

I am baffled on a daily basis when I watch the way kids I work with handle money. Most have no clue how much they have or where their money even is. Some have way more money than one would think a kid needed for a day at school. What could they possibly need besides lunch and maybe a snack? As with many other things I notice about my young clients is that they live in one of two extremes: either they have too much money and care not about from where it came or they don't have any money and care too much about its' origin. Once again I ask myself the politically incorrect question I always ask myself: "What are their parents thinking?!" I am sure that there are plenty of parents out there who do their best to teach their offspring the value of money and control how much they have as well as not projecting their own financial worries on to their children. The problem I notice is that there are also plenty of parents out there who are not so conscientious.

Some parents call me and want to know what they should do to consequence their kid for bad behavior and I always tell them to hit 'em in the pocket book yet they don't. These very kids still show up at school with big bucks and brand new stuff that I don't even buy for myself. On the other extreme I have kids who bring their parents' financial worries with them to school. It is one thing to teach your child the value of money and to make them earn what they get and it is another to let them in on the financial hardships of the household.

Parents, it is time to strike a balance. Good for you if you are recession proof but you still need to be aware of how much money your kid has and what they are doing with it. I would also recommend that you hit them with some reality and make them earn what they get. Food and shelter are a given but they will survive fine with out the newest electronic gaget - they will - I promise. And those of you who are feeling the financial drag or our economy and worry every day about the future, please leave your kid out of it and let them be a kid, they have enough to worry about.

Talk with your kids.

Why do I say talk "with" your kids? Because I have found that too many parents talk "at" their kids not with them, that is if they talk at all. A common denominator in the teens I have worked with over the last 20 years is that they do not feel that they can safely talk with their parents. They report that they cannot have decent converstation with their parents for a variety of reasons, some of them being: parents do not have enough time, parents don't listen they judge and advise, parents do not validate feelings ect. I am amazed at how few of the teens I work with even know what their parents do for a living, that is a crying shame.

Parents! It is not just about quality time it truly is about quantity. Yes, teens can make it seem like they don't need your advise and don't want to be bothered but they do. They need to know that you are there for them at all times not just when you are angry. Make it a habit to check in with your kid every day. Shut off all electronics, look them in the eye and ask them questions about their day. And don't accept one word answers.  Kids do have an uncanny ability to answer even the best open ended questions with one word but don't stop there. Tell them that you really want to know what is happening and that one word answers are not acceptable. When they do decide to talk with you then you need to practice good listening skills. Try your best not to judge or give advice, it is most often good enough just to acknowledge that you have heard them and that you appreciate them talking. If they choose not to talk that day then keep trying every day until you strengthen your connection. 

Firm but Fair parenting

As you can tell by my previous blogs it is clear that I strongly believe that the responsibility for children's development lies squarely in the lap of parents; I believe that it is very important for parent's to be strong in the disciplinary category however, I also believe that strong discipline must be balanced with fairness, kindness and respect. This balance is very difficult to achieve but it is possible. Those fortunate children who still have two parents under the same roof would benefit form both of those parents acting as a team and parenting from the same book, preferably the same page in the same book. In other words it is imperative that parents support each other and work hard to maintain a stable, predictable, and structured environment in the home. As important as it is to set limits and stick to those limits it is equally important for those limits to be fair, consistent and to make sense especially for older kids who know when things don't make sense. Of course there is a tremendous amount of details to take into consideration but that is where the communication and team work come into play. I cannot give detailed advice without knowing a family personally but parents who love each other and share the same goals for their family can figure out what rules are negotiable and what rules are not. It is also very important to talk to the kids about the rules and to make sure that they fully understand what is expected of them and what consequences and rewards will result.  For those parents who have not been strong disciplinarians this will be a more difficult task but not impossible. They can sit down with their kids and tell them that things are changing and why -then get ready for strong resistance. This resistance will be stronger the longer the lack of discipline has taken place but these parents must not give up although it will be very challenging. Holding your ground and showing your kids that you mean business and that you are sticking to rules in their best interest will pay off in the long run - I promise!

Don't be afraid to say "NO"

I am increasingly baffled by the amount of parents I encounter in my professional and my personal life who simply cannot set limits on their children. Most of these people are educated and successful in their respective careers so why can't they discipline their children? There are obviously many reasons why but the reasons are irrelevant to the result of this type of non-parenting. Are these parents simply introverted? Are they too busy and don't want to spend precious time fighting with their children? Were their parents too harsh and they promised themselves that they would not do that to their children? I''m not sure but what I am sure of is that the effects are devistating. These children are being raised without the ability to delay gratification, control anger, manage frustration, employ empathy, problem solve, share, cope with stress/anxiety and to simply take "NO" for an answer. These are all virtues that our sociey takes for granted and without them it is very difficult to succeed in work and relationships.

Parents, please don't be afraid to say "NO" and to stick to it no matter how challenging it may be. The sooner you start the better off you and your child will be. This is obviously much harder done than said but it still has to happen. We all want our children to be prepared for the "real world" and most of us want to do it differently than our parents did it but who is supposed to help us do this? That is what I am here for. Let's talk about our individual struggles and challenges and maybe you can learn to do things differntly and more effectively.

Parents looking inward

Today's thoughts on parenting: When we are confused by our kid's behavior and baffled by their words it is simple to give them an amature diagnosis or blame someone or something but it is my suggestion that we look at ourselves if we really want to figure out what is wrong. This is admittedly a very difficult and unpopular solutions but I guarantee it is the best advice a parent will ever get. I notice every day how my children mimic my words and my actions; sometimes it is cool and endearing and sometimes it is very discouraging but I cannot with a good conscience ignore it. The truth is that our kids are exposed to us more than anyone or anything else, even when we are not interacting directly our kids are observing us and that can be very good, very bad and many things in between but we have to be willing to face the fact that we are seeing ourselves in our children. You might think that your kid is nothing like you so ask your spouse or a close friend what they think and I bet you will be surprised at how much your kid is like you. If you are willing to face facts then you are willing to work on the things that you know you don't want your kids to do or say by changing your behavior - actions and words! You can do this - I try every day - every moment and it still doesn't always work but I keep trying.

Quality time with your teens

Parenting is becoming more of a challenge each day as our lives seem to keep speeding up and pulling us in more directions, this however does not change what our kids need from us. Our kids need our time and it is our responsibility as parents to give it to them. A colleague of mine has five children all of whom have graduated from some sort of graduate school - pretty amazing. I asked him what his secret is. He replied "There is no secret, it just takes a lot of time and committment." He told me that during the highschool years he and his wife were attending an athletic and/or performing arts event every night of the week for years, they even brought their own chairs. This is what it is all about folks, it is the everyday, tedious stuff that we don't get pats on the back for. There is no substitute for our presense in the lives of our children. More on this later.............

Kids out of control

As a therapist I am hearing more and more stories about teens out of control and parents not knowing what to do. Let me hear your stories and I will do my best to help you out.

Tony Malinda

The Parent whisperer is here to help!

Hello Parents,

Parenting is hard - who ever said it isn't?  But since it is sooo hard why aren't more parents asking for help? If you need to lose weight you get a trainer, if your golf swing needs help you get golf lessons, if your kid is having trouble in school you get a tutor; so why is it so difficult to admit that you might need help parenting? Well, it is time to start asking for help and time to utilize down-to-earth-not-politically correct advice offered by me. I am Tony Malinda and I have been a licensed psychotherapist in Los Angeles for 15 years. I have two kids of my own and I have worked with parents and kids my entire professional career. My advice is not generic and not based upon manipulated statistics or sound bites that gets us to keep the news on. My advice is personal and challenging. I truly believe that all parents can do better if they are willing to admit that they are not perfect. By doing this parents take the power into their own hands rather than waiting for someone else to take care of thier problems for them. That's it for now let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Tony