The Parent Whisperer

My new gig

Hi Readers,

I have recently been asked to be the "ask the therapist" advice columnist for L.A. Parent magazine. My first bit of advice is published in the February edition. Please grab a hard copy if you live in Los Angeles or the San Fernando Valley. To check out the digital addtion just log on to: http://losangeles.parenthood.com/ and click on the digital edition and go to p. 13.

Hope to hear what you think and always remember you can comment on my blog and I will be glad to help you out any way I can.

Peace,

Tony

Old fashioned values

Parenting in this technological, entitled, over stimulated, over scheduled environment is more challenging than ever. Yes, my generation of parents are trying not to be as repressive and controlling as our parents (and adults in general) were when we were  young and that can be a good thing, but I believe that we have taken it too far in the oppostite direction. Being cool and being your kid's friend is not healthy and it is not working. I have read articles, many written by mental health professionals, making excuses for this type of parenting and giving permission for it. I do not agree. It is nice to have a closer relationship with our kids than we had with our parents however, our kids still need to know who is boss and they need to know that we are not thier freinds. Too often have I observed kids from 2nd grade to 12th grade talking to their parents in a way that makes me cringe. And when I observe this the questions in my thought bubble are: "why are you letting your kid treat you like this?" "What do you think you are teaching your kid by allowing this?" "Do you have any idea how your are going to suffer later?"

Successful parenting is all about balance so let's start implementing some old fashioned values like: show respect for your elders, think about someone besides your self, don't speak if you don't have anything nice to say, Stop whining!, eat what's in front of you, be kind just for the sake of being kind ect. There are many more I'm sure but this is a start. We can be close with our kids and make them feel safe enough to communicate honestly with us at the same time demanding respect and setting limits on behaviors  that are clearly unacceptable in most civilized societies.

Comment and questions are welcomed!

If what you are doing doesn't work - do something different

I would like to share a parenting struggle I recently experienced and how I broke myself out of a pattern that was clearly not working for me. My six year old son has now reached a stage in his life where he needs more than ever to exert his independence and this has thrown me for a loop. Until now he has spoiled us with compliance and minimal power struggles. Lately he has begun to say "NO" to everything and will put up as big of a fight as I am willing to engage in to get his way. I am a firm and mostly fair parent but I am also as stubborn as my son (wonder where he got it?). When he says "NO" to homework, taking a bath or going to bed it drives me crazy and my first instict is to lay down the consequences. This tact has not worked with him because he still does not give in which of course deserves even more consequences which makes him more angry and in turn makes me more angry.

One night, with the encouragement of my wife I decided to something differently. When he said "NO!" to taking a bath I instead of starting my count down and then doling out the consequences said "Tell ya what, why don't I help you and I will wash your hair." He immediately agreed and we had a wonderful bonding experience and a nice chat while I washed his hair. Although giving in goes against my stubborn Sicilian ways I was very proud of myself for doing something differently and acting more maturely than my 6 year old. I also went to bed much more relaxed which resulted in a good night's sleep. Next time I will be more apt to figuring out a creative way to get my way and allow my son to feel like he has some influence in his life.

Maybe this will encourage you to try something different when you realize that you are getting nowhere and creating repetative conflicts that can be averted.

T

Making sense is vital

When making rules and/or setting limits with kids it is vital that they make sense to the kids. "Because I said so!" is difficult to avoid but not a helpful way to speak to your kid. I absolultely believe in being firm but it is also important to be fair, consistent and predictable. Not easy I know but the alternative causes more problems and takes more time in the long run. I work with many kids who just don't know what to expect from mom and dad which creates an unpredicable environment which in turn creates anxitey.

When setting limits make the punishment fit the crime and make it time limited. Also of importance is to not dole out punishment in the heat of anger, take a little time to cool off and engage your logical brain before the punishment is rendered. Once the punishment is given make darn sure you follow through on it otherwise you will lose credibility. Just imagine how you would like for your boss to treat you and act accordingly with your kids.

Parenting at opposite extremes

As I have said many times: "Parenting is the hardest job we will ever have." I will continue to repeat it because parents continue to put up their parenting defenses any time the topic is raised. Let's just assume that we all understand how hard it is and that we all struggle with it.

What I have observed over the years are two distinct and extreme methods of parenting that are both equally ineffective. The first one is the over-controlling parent who tends to be chronically critical, rigid, and verbally (sometimes physically) abusive. This is the parent who is unpleasable and always looking for faults. Many of the kids I have worked with tell me stories of their parents who are like this. These kids feel unworthy, defective, and faulty. Kids desperately need the approval of their parents and are willing to work hard to get it until they give up. So as not to scare you, it takes a long time for a kid to give up. So be aware of how you treat you child and think about what it takes to build self esteem in a kid and make sure that you work towards that.

The other extreme is the laissez faire parent who is so afraid to damage their child's self esteem that they go to serious lengths to protect their child from any adversity or discomfort. I blame the psychology profession and the news media for scaring parents and leading them to believe that self esteem is so very fragile. First of all you cannot break down something that has not been built and it takes a firm but fair hand to built self esteem. This a very disturbing trend I have noticed over the last 8 to 10 years. I have encountered more and more kids who have no back bone whatsoever. These kids display entitlement and fall apart when things do not go their way. The parents of these kids are very familiar to teachers and other school staff everywhere because these are the parents who make the job of working with kids way harder than it needs to be. These parents will not confront their child or place responsibility on them but they won't hesitate to attack a teacher. This is a loaded topic and can be discussed at length but for now I will just encourage parents to be aware of this and to make sure that they try to strike a balance and not to be afraid to teach their children responsibility. I am telling you now that it takes coping skills to survive in this world and to feel good about ourselves and the kid who does not have coping skills will not be able to function successfully. If a child never experiences adversity how is he or she going to learn how to survive in a cruel world?  Saying "NO" and sticking to it will not harm your child's self esteem - I promise.

Balance folks, that is what I am talking about. We need to parent with a firm yet fair hand therefore, neither extreme is effective.

What is self esteem and how can we build it in our kids will be discussed next time

Criticizing Parents

One of the main obstacles I have encountered throughout my career is parents who need help but will not admit it. Why are we so protective of our parenting? Why is it politically incorrect to place responsibility on parents for the behavior of their children? Coaches and bosses and parents can yell and scream at their players, employees and children but god forbid someone yells at a parent. I am not advocating the drill sergeant approach nor am I encouraging lay people to criticize a parent in public. Nobody wants unsolicited advice but there are many qualified professionals who can give wonderful advice and there are plenty of skillful ways to criticize someone in order to help them become better at something.

The truth must be spoken and the truth is that parents need way more help and guidance than they are getting. I am advocating that parents be more willing to admit that they can be better and that they might need help to become so. There is nothing to be ashamed of by admitting to less than perfect parenting. No body does it perfectly - no body! The ones who think they do are most likely the ones who need the most help. People are usually willing to admit that they can be better at sports, diet, work habits, organizational skills etc. and then they seek help but very few are willing to seek help with parenting. Just think about how hard golfers work to hit that ball straight down the fairway. If they can't they take lessons and then they practice, practice, practice. That is the motivation and drive I would like to see from parents. I have theories as to why people are so defensive when it comes to parenting but that will be a seperate blog. What I want to address is how hard parenting is and how little preparation there is for it.

A parent needs to be a leader and a good leader possesses numerous qualities that most of us do not  yet we are expected to have them and teach them.   We are expected to  be good role models by being able to: control our anger, delay gratification, tolerate frustration, organize our time, organize our space, communicate clearly and effectively, set firm yet fair limits, follow through on promises, be kind to our family, friends and fellow man, admit when we are wrong, be honest, eat healthy, exercise, resolve conflict, not hold grudges, forgive others, be faithful to our committments etc. I'm sure I have left something out but that is a heck of a list. Do you know anyone who has all of those qualities? I don't. But if you really think about it we expect all of it from our kids and get very upset if they falter. As parents should we not at least strive to get better at everything listed? Sure we should! What do we have to lose by trying? Pride?

People assume that I have this parenting thing mastered but nothing could be farther from the truth. What I do have over most parents is my willingness to self evaluate and continually try to change what does not work. I am also blessed to be married to a wonderful woman who is not just my wife but my friend and partner. This is immensely helpful when my kids have brought out the worst in me and I need to step back and take my own time out. At those times she will step in and relieve me and I do the same for her. Everyone's situation is of course different and complex but my message to those who know things could be better at home is to ask for help and be willing to do better no matter how difficult it may be.

Financial Wisdom

I am baffled on a daily basis when I watch the way kids I work with handle money. Most have no clue how much they have or where their money even is. Some have way more money than one would think a kid needed for a day at school. What could they possibly need besides lunch and maybe a snack? As with many other things I notice about my young clients is that they live in one of two extremes: either they have too much money and care not about from where it came or they don't have any money and care too much about its' origin. Once again I ask myself the politically incorrect question I always ask myself: "What are their parents thinking?!" I am sure that there are plenty of parents out there who do their best to teach their offspring the value of money and control how much they have as well as not projecting their own financial worries on to their children. The problem I notice is that there are also plenty of parents out there who are not so conscientious.

Some parents call me and want to know what they should do to consequence their kid for bad behavior and I always tell them to hit 'em in the pocket book yet they don't. These very kids still show up at school with big bucks and brand new stuff that I don't even buy for myself. On the other extreme I have kids who bring their parents' financial worries with them to school. It is one thing to teach your child the value of money and to make them earn what they get and it is another to let them in on the financial hardships of the household.

Parents, it is time to strike a balance. Good for you if you are recession proof but you still need to be aware of how much money your kid has and what they are doing with it. I would also recommend that you hit them with some reality and make them earn what they get. Food and shelter are a given but they will survive fine with out the newest electronic gaget - they will - I promise. And those of you who are feeling the financial drag or our economy and worry every day about the future, please leave your kid out of it and let them be a kid, they have enough to worry about.

Firm but Fair parenting

As you can tell by my previous blogs it is clear that I strongly believe that the responsibility for children's development lies squarely in the lap of parents; I believe that it is very important for parent's to be strong in the disciplinary category however, I also believe that strong discipline must be balanced with fairness, kindness and respect. This balance is very difficult to achieve but it is possible. Those fortunate children who still have two parents under the same roof would benefit form both of those parents acting as a team and parenting from the same book, preferably the same page in the same book. In other words it is imperative that parents support each other and work hard to maintain a stable, predictable, and structured environment in the home. As important as it is to set limits and stick to those limits it is equally important for those limits to be fair, consistent and to make sense especially for older kids who know when things don't make sense. Of course there is a tremendous amount of details to take into consideration but that is where the communication and team work come into play. I cannot give detailed advice without knowing a family personally but parents who love each other and share the same goals for their family can figure out what rules are negotiable and what rules are not. It is also very important to talk to the kids about the rules and to make sure that they fully understand what is expected of them and what consequences and rewards will result.  For those parents who have not been strong disciplinarians this will be a more difficult task but not impossible. They can sit down with their kids and tell them that things are changing and why -then get ready for strong resistance. This resistance will be stronger the longer the lack of discipline has taken place but these parents must not give up although it will be very challenging. Holding your ground and showing your kids that you mean business and that you are sticking to rules in their best interest will pay off in the long run - I promise!

Quality time with your teens

Parenting is becoming more of a challenge each day as our lives seem to keep speeding up and pulling us in more directions, this however does not change what our kids need from us. Our kids need our time and it is our responsibility as parents to give it to them. A colleague of mine has five children all of whom have graduated from some sort of graduate school - pretty amazing. I asked him what his secret is. He replied "There is no secret, it just takes a lot of time and committment." He told me that during the highschool years he and his wife were attending an athletic and/or performing arts event every night of the week for years, they even brought their own chairs. This is what it is all about folks, it is the everyday, tedious stuff that we don't get pats on the back for. There is no substitute for our presense in the lives of our children. More on this later.............

The Parent whisperer is here to help!

Hello Parents,

Parenting is hard - who ever said it isn't?  But since it is sooo hard why aren't more parents asking for help? If you need to lose weight you get a trainer, if your golf swing needs help you get golf lessons, if your kid is having trouble in school you get a tutor; so why is it so difficult to admit that you might need help parenting? Well, it is time to start asking for help and time to utilize down-to-earth-not-politically correct advice offered by me. I am Tony Malinda and I have been a licensed psychotherapist in Los Angeles for 15 years. I have two kids of my own and I have worked with parents and kids my entire professional career. My advice is not generic and not based upon manipulated statistics or sound bites that gets us to keep the news on. My advice is personal and challenging. I truly believe that all parents can do better if they are willing to admit that they are not perfect. By doing this parents take the power into their own hands rather than waiting for someone else to take care of thier problems for them. That's it for now let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Tony